Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own
by razgirl13
Summary: Hermione is broken after the war. Harry's in a coma and most of her friends are dead. Will it be to much for her? Or will she find someone to help her move on? PostWar HGSB
1. In the Cold

Disclaimer- I don't own Harry Potter… sob. Nor do I own acceptance, or U2.

A/N- this is my first fic. It's going to be pretty angsty, but bear with me and the romance will come along. Constructive comments please! I would really like to know what I could do better, but I have to warn you, this story is all planned out in my evil little mind. Em B

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Chapter 1- In the Cold

Time shows us that all that ever mattered

All that ever mattered leaves us in the cold

If you ever believe this what you need

It will spin around and shatter

Throw you to the floor

As it leaves us in the cold

In The Cold-Acceptance

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Everything was different. Everyone who had been left behind was different. I, Hermione Granger, am kneeling in front of the graves of almost everyone I had ever known.

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It was the fall of my twenty-first year, when it all happened. My relationship with Harry was going well, considering I was dating the soon-to-be savior of the entire wizarding world. Harry had asked me to move in with him after we had found all the Horcruxes; all that was left to do was wait for Voldemort to make an appearance and he didn't want to waste time. I had been able to deal with his mood swings; they must be normal for someone under that much stress. I felt like I was the only one who could make him feel normal, if only for a few minutes. That was all I could do for him.

Ron and Luna were married. It had been sudden, but not completely unexpected. He had been heart broken when I started dating Harry. After Luna's father had been attacked by the Death Eaters for being a "Potter Supporter," the two had grown close. The wedding had been quick, almost as if people were asking, "Can we truly celebrate?" People had to live quickly in a world where they could die tomorrow.

Halloween came around. Bad things always seem to happen on Halloween. Remus popped in while Harry and I had been snuggled on the couch. The warmth of his body against mine is the most vivid memory that I possess. I haven't been that warm since…always cold. Remus told him the Voldemort had finally come out of hiding. Harry immediately switched into battle-mode. He told me to go to the Burrow, that I would be safe there. He told me that he could never bear to lose me, that he loved me, and then he Apparated away.

Back then I was the same old Hermione, stubborn and willful. That all seems to be gone. There was no way Harry was going into this alone, and I think he knew that. I immediately followed him, frizzy hair trailing him, Apparating into a cacophony of noise and chaos.

This battle was to held in the Department of Mysteries, in the same room that Sirius was taken from us. That veil seemed to have a draw, somehow pulling us to fight in front of it, like some strange spectacle. That room has held so much bloodshed, through so many centuries that I wonder if it is simply cursed.

I don't remember much of the actual battle. I don't know whether this was from my injuries or just my mind's way of protecting me from the worst memory of my life. All I know is that now I can look back on it with some strange detachment. I have no tears left to cry. Ron was the first to fall, he died protecting his family, and becoming the martyr he was always destined to be. Professor Flitwick died gallantly taking Avery with him. George and Charlie came in quick succession. Molly and Arthur soon after that, Molly simply losing all will to live. I fought hard, just trying to stay alive for Harry. Draco killed his father. Bellatrix and I dueled…

In the end, it was just Harry and Voldemort dueling on the steps to the veil, both alone as it was always meant to be. They went at each other in complete silence, both so focused that even Voldemort couldn't shout his usual taunts. Harry had just hit Voldemort with the killing curse as I finally passed out.

I woke up in St. Mungo's. They told me Harry was in a coma. They told me Voldemort was dead-for good this time. They told me I was one of the few survivors. The congratulated me, rewarded me, and asked me questions. All I could do was lay by the side of the only man I had ever loved. They told me all crimes by our side were to be forgotten. I was free to finally live a normal life. I had just always expected to live that life with Harry.

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Here I was again, placing flowers next to the graves of my best friends. I felt cold, numb; I feel no emotions. This was mechanical. The cool breeze of October blew across my skin. Suddenly, I heard the faint 'pop' of apparition, and Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks were standing behind me, hand entwined. They had been able to find happiness after the war and I envied them.

"Hermione?" said Lupin, never speaking above a whisper on this hallowed ground.

"Yes, it's me, I know its been a while, but its really me" I said, trying to grin slightly.

At that moment, Tonks swept me into a deep hug, nearly crushing me. Her hair was its long natural black today, probably both in mourning and in the fact that Lupin liked to see her 'naturally'.

"Hermione! We haven't seen you since… Well, since you left. Are you finally coming back to England? We've really missed you, you know that don't you?" She said, her face making an attempt at a chuckle.

"I don't really know" I replied somberly. "I left because I couldn't deal with people telling me what a hero I was, I just needed to escape from it all for a while"

This was true, only partially though. It hadn't been just that. I couldn't watch Remus and Tonks have such a happy relationship, when mine was never going to happen. I couldn't watch Fred be slowly driven to madness by the loss of most of his family, knowing that I was close to it as well. I couldn't see Draco Malfoy, ex-enemy, raising money to help the survivors of the war. Everyone seemed to move on, but my life was always lying on a hospital bed in a private ward of St. Mungos.

I began to sob uncontrollable and Tonks just rocked me in her arms, while Lupin glanced nervously around. He was always uncomfortable around me, with things like this. I think he was the only one who realized how deeply everything had affected me. The only one who knew what it had done to me.

I soon heard another small sob from my left and looked up. Ginny kneeled next to the graves of her parents, weeping nearly silently. This was another reason I left. She had lost more than me, but I could never bring myself to help her, it just hurt too much and reminded me of what I had lost. I looked at her, and saw the deep sadness in every part of her. Her once vibrant hair now lay dull, the spark was gone from her eyes and the childish glow had vanished. She was in just as much pain as me.

The four of us sat in silence for a long time, all caught in our own thoughts. Eventually, Ginny broke the silence.

"Hermione, I think its time that you go home"

And however much I didn't want to return there, I knew that she was right.


	2. The Letter

Disclaimer- Harry Potter isn't mine. Nuff' said.

A/N- Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. School makes writing difficult! Hope you like it. Comments please! Sorry that this is another Acceptance song, but it fit, I promise I listen to other music though. I am SO sorry to have not gotten this out sooner! I'm really not that slow of an author. My beta just seems to have dissappeared, so this is un-betad. If she comes back, I'll edit this. This chapter is dedicated to xILoveSiriusBlackx because she is the best friend ever.

_I take it all to heart_

_Don't point the finger_

_Choose the winner_

_Hold your own_

_It's never been arranged_

_Who's the liar_

_I'm the coward_

_The letter read like this..._

Of all the sinners I've walked before 

The Letter- Acceptance

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"She's going to need us Remus" said Tonks quietly, running her hand down the side of his face.

"I know, but she needs time. She left for a reason, I think. Just give her time Nymph."

"You know I don't like when you call me that!" hitting him playfully in the arm.

"OUCH!" he shouted playfully grabbing her around the waist and pulling her into his lap "That hurt! You know I bruise easy…"

"Mhmmm…" She muttered, leaning up and kissing him soundly on the lips. This quieted any witty remarks he had planned as he fell deeper and deeper into her embrace. She broke the kiss slowly, placing her head on his chest.

"Days like today…" she murmured sleepily.

He maneuvered her over him, lying out on the couch. _Why did I ever think that I didn't need someone? What would I do without her?_ He thought drowsily.

They lay contentedly on the couch for a while, drifting off to sleep in each other's arms.

"Remus?"

He awoke to Tonks looking straight into his eyes.

"Hmm?" he said with a sleepy sigh.

"Do you ever feel guilty?"

This question struck him hard. _Guilty about what? She's not having second thoughts about us! No, of course not, don't be so damned insecure. Then what is she worried about? _He sat up, completely awake.

She saw the look in his eyes. She knew that look far to well. _That's the one he gets when he thinks I'm going to leave him. Bloody hell no. I couldn't do that. He should know that by now._

"About being so happy. I mean, sometimes I forget, and then feel dreadful about it", She said quickly, trying to make him stop worrying.

He thought for a moment before replying "All the time, Nymph, all the time".

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I appareted to my small 'Apartment' in New York City. I liked it in the city, it was always loud, always in motion, and above all, no one recognized me. Tonks was right though; I needed to go back to England. I had been running from everything for 12 months, and it was just hurting me more.

But how could I prepare for what awaited me at 'home'? I was going to see the place where Harry and I had spent our last days together. I knew that I wasn't in good condition either. Something had happened to me after that night. I hadn't had a good night sleep since the last time Harry held me in his arms. I had used the dreamless sleep potion so much that I had actually developed immunity to it. I was prone to mood swings, and I would occasionally pass out for no reason. I had even seen a muggle therapist. _'Lot of good that did, trying to explain that your boyfriend was in a magically induced coma' _I thought to myself. _When did I get so cynical?_

I packed a sparse amount of belongings, sweatpants, tee shirts, a toothbrush. I didn't see the point in caring what I looked like anymore. I locked the door and appareted into the den of Harry's, my, large flat in the center of London.

The first thing I noticed was that nothing had changed, the blanket was still on the couch, and a fire was still blazing. I suppose all the wards Remus put up here must have left time standing completely still.

I sat down on the couch, breathing in the smell of Harry that lingered their, feeling so lost, so alone. I don't know how long I sat there, it could have been hours or days, but eventually I realized I needed to eat. I was always careful to eat, even on days when I felt like laying in bed and starving to death. I needed to stay alive. I got up and walked to the kitchen, rummaging around for something to eat.

Eventually, I decided that I should go to sleep. I didn't change, but simply walked into the room Harry and I had shared. On the bed, I found the shock of my life.

Sitting there was an envelope addressed clearly in Harry's neat scrawl "Hermione". I felt a whirlwind of emotion as I feel to my knees on the soft carpet, sobbing silently, without shedding a tear. I picked up the letter, opened it and began to read

_Hermione,_

_If you're reading this, I'm dead. Bugger that was rather blunt wasn't it? Well, it's the truth. I was always too blunt wasn't I? Well, no matter now… I hope I died protecting you, I know I would've. I hope that I took Tom with me. I hope that you can look back on me without sadness. I hope a lot of thing for you Hermione. I want you to be happy, that's all I ever wanted. I love you, and will forever, whatever happens. You got me through everything, kept me going. I always remember that I love you. _

_Harry_

_P.S- I want you to have this. I was going to give it to you after the war was over. Now, I just want you to remember me._

I read this completely stunned. I was in shock, shaking all over. _How could he think I could forget him? How could I be happy without him?_ I fell on to the bed, my head spinning. I looked on the quilt on our bed, seeing a little velvet box. I couldn't even bear to open. I just stared at and blacked out.

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I woke up later; I don't know how long it had been. I was falling in and out of life, my head spinning. Maybe it was all a dream… No, I knew dreams could never get this bad. '_Its like losing him all over again', _I thought miserably. It was then that I realized that no one had come for me. There wasn't anyone to be with me, to make sure I was all right. Remus and Tonks had their own life, Fred wasn't in a condition to see anyone, Luna had disappeared, and Ginny had enough problems. I was alone. Yet now that I realized this, things seemed better. I was no longer living for anyone. First, it had been living for Harry, to keep him alive for the wizarding world, then it had been living for the survivors, but slowly, they had all moved on, or reached that insanity that let them not feel their pain. I wasn't living for anyone. I didn't even have to live anymore…

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A/N- Thank you all my wonderful reviewers!

SoloKenobi, xILoveSiriusBlackx, leopardbabe- Thanks for the encouragment, I promise I'll keep writing!

Moony-Mione-Padfoot- My first reviewer! Ah, the thrill!


	3. The Outsiders

Disclaimer- Harry Potter isn't mine… I wouldn't be saving for an iPod if it were. Nor is Franz Ferdinand, however much I would like to own them all. My god its been a long time since I updated. I swear to all of you I'm not this slow, I just had semester tests. High school sucks.

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Chapter 3- Outsiders

_Love'll die  
Lovers fade  
But you still remain there  
Squeezing in your fingers  
What it means for me to be_  
_The only difference is what might be is now what might have been_

Outsiders- Franz Ferdinand

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Looking back, I see now that manic madness that came over me after reading that letter. It was almost comical in fact. I finally had purpose, just like I had in school or searching for the Horcruxes. I treated my own life in the same methodical way I would treat a potions essay. So I set to work.

First, I placed Harry's ring on my finger. _I won't be wearing if for much longer anyway. _Then I sat down and began writing a list, an 'outline' as muggle English teachers would say, to prepare. _My last big assignment. _I chuckled at my own insanity as I wrote the first step.

_1. Go and Visit Harry._

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I hated hospitals, always had. St. Mungo's was no different, the bustling of lime-green robed healers carrying around fuming potions, and witches and wizards sporting various ailments never ceased to upset me. I myself had spent much more time within these walls then I would care to remember.

As I walked on to the ward, all the healers gave me curious, and encouraging looks. They all knew me, having seen me stay by his side for weeks before disappearing. They seemed to think I was finally here to move on. _If only they knew, somehow I don't think they'd be smiling._

As I sat in the chair next to Harry's bed, I thought about him, us, and everything else. _Do I love him? Did I love him? I have no idea. He was my world and I was his. But was it need or love?_ I stopped myself abruptly. _It doesn't even matter. To many other things have happened. That battle changed me. Now, what to say to Harry?_

Light streamed into the room, illuminating his raven black hair. _If only he would open his eyes, stop me from doing this. But it won't happen. _

"Harry, I think I loved you. I think you loved me… We would have been happy together, having children, and living in the world that you kept safe," I paused brushing back his hair.

"But Voldemort ruined that. He took everything away from us. He changed everything. I think that even if you were around now, you wouldn't love me. I don't deserve love from anyone. Too much has happened. If only you could hear me. But you can't and you never will. I know that you understand. I can't live like this, in this world, without you. I can't make it alone"

At these words, I stepped back. I was allowing too much emotion. I couldn't, I had to continue. I kissed Harry on the cheek and then apparated back to the flat.

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_2. Write a note._

_Remus, Tonks, Ginny;_

_You're probably the only ones who would check on me. Actually your probably the only one's who know I'm alive. Well, there's no use checking on me. I can't live like this anymore. Guilt and misery aren't something I take very well apparently. I don't see the point in mourning me. You have enough people to mourn. I haven't been here for a year; just pretend I went back to New York. Don't worry no burial for me, they'll never find me._

_-Hermione_

'_I wonder how long this note will sit here?' _I thought, slightly pained. _'A year like Harry's letter? It doesn't matter. If they don't worry, that's better. I don't want anyone to feel like I do. I wouldn't wish this on anyone'_

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_3. Go_

I left my letter on the kitchen table and apparated directly to my final destination. I found myself in the death chamber, face to face with the veil for the last time.

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_Sunlight streamed in over his closed eyes. He felt a soft hand on his forehead. A whispered voice. 'Hermione?' he found himself unable to speak. It was if he was partially awake. He could hear the tone of her voice, but couldn't make out the words. She sounded sad. He didn't like her being sad, he wanted to comfort her. He couldn't._

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A/N- This chapter was hard to write. Suicide is such a complicated thing so I couldn't graze over it. I'm sorry if this chapter seemed to go to slow.


	4. Otherside

A/N- Um. Sorry I don't update more. I'm sort of waiting to get to the real drama and romance of the story. I've switched points of view, because for the first three chapters, this was a completely Hermione based story. By the end of this chapter though, we will have another main character, and it's really difficult to write that in first person form. I also **never **intended this to be a Remus/Tonks story but it just happened. I swear it won't become one though. Oh, the mood sort of changes in the middle of this, so if your crazy and actually listening the music with it (I do that) then switch to 'Fade Together' by Franz Ferdinand after the italicized text.

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How long how long will I slide  
Separate my side I don't  
I don't believe it's bad  
Slit my throat  
It's all I ever  
Stranger things could never change my mind  
I've got to take it on the otherside  
Take it on the otherside  
Take it on  
Take it on 

-Otherside by Red Hot Chili Peppers

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"Remus, we need to go see her!"

Nymphadora Tonks was angry. More importantly, she was worried. _How the hell can Remus have so much damned patience? He stays so bloody calm._

_She was worried about Hermione. What had she found when she went home? Merlin, I hope she doesn't run away again. That girl had been through more than any of them._ Tonks was also not the most patient of women, far from it.

"She needs her space. I have a feeling that she will come to us, when she is ready. Until then, we wait."

Remus spoke with a sigh from the stove of their small flat. Despite Tonk's protests, he was cooking breakfast, as always. She was the woman in the household, and as she told Remus repeatedly she would 'bloody well act like it, on occasion'. Unfortunately, or fortunately, Remus knew that Tonks could burn, overcook, undercook, or otherwise maul any type of food.

"Can we really let her disappear again?" Tonks cut into his musings with the present.

"She won't. She's stronger than that."

"But you know better than anyone what being alone does to people." She recalled how he was when she had first realized she loved him. He had been a recluse after Sirius's death, and being alone had only hurt him. And Fred…

"You're thinking about Fred aren't you?" He always had the uncanny sense of knowing **exactly** what she was thinking.

"Yes" Her voice cracked thinking of him. She had come to see Fred as a sort of younger brother during the years of the war. She usually tried not to think of what that war had done to him.

Remus turned off the stove and walked toward her. He brushed a lock of her raven black hair out of her eyes, and then wrapped his arms casually around her waist. His amber eyes looked into her grey ones for a long moment before speaking.

"She's not like us. She did more and lost more." He paused slightly. "Hermione also didn't have anyone after the war. She cut herself off from all the survivors and I think that was intentional. She has to find something in herself.

"But…"

She was cut of by Remus pulling her closer and leaning his face centimeters from hers. He wanted to show her how truly grateful he was that he had her. _I want her to know that I will always love her._

Pausing slightly, he bit his lip, as if trying to collect his thoughts, and then he pressed his warm lips to hers. She gasped at the sheer intensity of it, as if Remus was trying to pour his whole life into hers. His lips moved in a slow but passionate rhythm against hers, sucking gently on her lower lip. He broke away slowly grinning profusely at her appearance. She was in her natural form looking flustered, lips swollen and all traces of anger gone. _Thought that would shut her up_. He grinned even more at himself. Remus then decided that now was the perfect time.

"Nymphadora" he said in a low husky tone, reaching into the pocket of his robes, for the ring he had retrieved from his parents vault months ago.

The loud crack of apparition broke the silence before Tonks realized what was going on, fortunately for Remus.

"We need to find Hermione. Now." Said the youngest Weasley, completely indifferent to the scene in front of her.

"Hmm… I do believe we were just talking about this." Tonks muttered sarcastically, smiling. However she stopped dead when she saw the look on Ginny's face.

"She's going to try to kill herself. We need to find her **now.**"

"WHAT!" Both Remus and Tonks cried simultaneously, panic registering in both their faces.

"Listen, there isn't time to explain. I went to her flat and found this" She said, handing them the small piece of parchment in Hermione's neat hand.

"Lets go".

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Hermione walkedpurposely into the entry room of the Department of Mysteries. It had the same eerie quality it did when she first came here, seven years ago. It was then that she had lost Sirius behind the veil. The guilt of his death was one thing that had weighed on her mind for all these years.

_I was supposed to be the rational one! Harry could never leave people in danger- it wasn't in his nature. And Ron… Well, Ron always believed in Harry. What if I had just avoided that curse? What if I had just been there? I could have stopped Bellatrix sooner. I could have saved him_.

The loss of Sirius had hit her in some strange way. It hadn't changed her like it changed Harry- it just hurt. She had risked her life to save him once, only to lose him again. It was the sense of failure that she couldn't deal with. For the first time, she had completely failed someone she cared about

Hermione approached the veil, staring at the tattered black cloth. Then the whispering began. Harry said he had heard whispers. But he wasn't crazy. She was entranced by the voice. _Who's was it? Ron's? Harry's?_ She listened intently for another long moment. _No, it's older than theirs. More… mature._ She walked closer, trying to make out the voice. Suicide was now the last thing on her mind. _Sirius?_ She was so close now she could almost feel the faint breeze ruffling the veil. She barely registered the three loud cracking noises in the background.

"HERMIONE!" Three loud, frantic voices called out to her in unison.

She was snapped out of the trance of the veil and turned around. She recalled why she was in the Death Chamber to begin with.

"Please Hermione, don't do this."

"No Remus, this is what's best, you'll all be better off, and so will I. If Harry ever wakes up, tell him that."

With these words, Hermione Granger walked calmly into the veil.

* * *

_Pain racked through her body, the most severe, mind-boggling pain she had ever experienced. She watched her 15-year-old self, being hit by that unknown curse of the Deatheater. But the older Hermione didn't faint like before. She saw her own unconscious body, but felt the pain it had felt again and again. Hermione was trapped in time, reliving that second over and over again. She could see and hear everything, but like her younger counter-part, was powerless to help._

_She knew that the battle was going on, just in the next room. She knew that Harry was fighting to save the prophecy. She knew that Bellatrix and Sirius were dueling, that Sirius was dying. Now both guilt and pain seared through her whole body but she never found the death she had been looking for. '**I should be dead by now. Is this hell?'** Eternities passed. She had been inside this hell place forever. No thought remained, just the recounting that vicious moment and the pain. The same event happened countless times, and she watched. _

_In an instant, she was shocked back into thought and time. She felt a sharp crack as most of her bones were broken, and then was brutally shoved forward. She fell out into a place she vaguely recognized, with something clearly under her. '**A man?'** As she puzzled, her body shut down, and the world spun into oblivion._

* * *

There was a soft voice, calling to her. She tried to sit up, but she couldn't. She started blinking her eyes slightly, trying to clear the fog from her mind. _Who was that talking? It doesn't sound like Remus and it's definitely not a woman._

She tried to move her arms and reach out to this unknown man, but sharp pain shot through her. Cringing, she fell back into unconsciousness.

* * *

"Hermione" A voice was calling out to her again. This time it was easier to make out. She opened her eyes to see the clearly defined form of Remus Lupin sitting next to her.

"Oh thank Merlin. You scared us Hermione." He looked like he hadn't slept in days.

"What? What the hell is going on? I'm dead! It's supposed to be fucking over!" Hermione tried to sit up, but was pulled back by searing pains all over her body.

"Hermione, you need to relax. A lot has happened. First off, you're not dead."

"That much I've gathered from the shooting pains all over my body. How the hell did that happen?" She was pissed off now. She couldn't move and she was supposed to be dead! No more pain, physical or emotional.

"Just hold on a minute. You jumped into the veil, that itself was a far more dangerous decision then you anticipated, because you had no idea what it was."

"So what is it then?" Her academic curiosity was peaked, even if she was dead tired.

"Officially, the veils purpose is unknown. The ministry doesn't want to have anything to do with it. They just keep it locked up in the Department of Ministries, and try their best to forget about it. After Sirius 'died' I decided to set out to find out its true meaning. By studying texts of ancient magic, I learned that magic itself is about purity. Now don't take this the wrong way, it has absolutely nothing to do with blood, whatever some of us may say."

Remus continued, "But the fact the people of all magical blood are called purebloods is no mistake. Wizards of ancient times knew of the purity of magic, and since they themselves were magical, they were 'of pure blood'. But each witch or wizard is magical, so his or her own blood has nothing to do with it. You are as much of a 'pure blood' as Malfoy is. I'm even sure that most Black's don't realize that their family motto has nothing to do with being wizard born, but simply being magical."

"But a wizard is also a man." Remus sighed; this was not an easy thing to explain. "Man has 'grey areas', places between right and wrong for example. This is what differentiates a person from their magic. Magic is **always** pure. Magic can become _pure_ pain with the crusatis curse. The Mirror of Erised shows _pure _desire. Dementors are beings that feed off of _pure_ fear. The veil is another one of these pure objects. The veil **is** evil." He paused at the shocked look on Hermione's face.

"Yes, it is the purest form of evil. There is no coincidence that the two are anagrams either. The veil is a terrible force, which once hurt many people. That's why the ministry keeps it locked up. The 'death chamber' keeps the veil from hurting people. Mostly anyway… The ancient muggles even knew of its power. Ever seen a drawing of 'the grim reaper'? He is a man with a black veil completely covering his appearance. The reaper is the bringing of death and devastation."

"So are you saying I jumped into pure evil?"

"In a manner, yes. The veil will do anything for its prey. It feeds on people, even from great distances. The fact that you chose to go there for your own death is not coincidence either."

"But, I was suicidal, the veil didn't make me do it!"

Remus sighed and continued, "That is true but only partially. The veil overrode part of your mind when you returned to England. It was the proximity to it. You **were** suicidal, but without it's influence, you would have thought to come talk to Tonks or Ginny or myself. You would have done something to help yourself. We would have stopped you if needed. But you had come in close contact with the veil before. It in a sense, knew you."

"When you jumped into it, it showed you whatever would hurt you the most. The veil enjoys pain and suffering. But unlike Dementors, who simply show you your worst memory, the veil actually makes it happen, it causes tangible results. If you had say, lost all magical ability inside the veil, you would actually be a squib. So of course it didn't let you die because that's what you wanted."

"Alright, but how am I out? How do you know any of this for sure? I thought no one ever came out."

"You're right. All of this was simply speculation until just a few weeks ago. But your experience seems to have proved our theories. Is it alright for me to assume that Sirius was somehow involved in your stay in the veil?"

Hermione felt strangely embarrassed, "Well yes, he was." She really did not want to think about it. She was simply too tired for this.

"Can I also assume that whatever happened to you also happened over and over again?"

"Yes" She said this almost meekly- truly exhausted now.

"As expected. See, somehow, your 'visions' began to stack up. Every time Sirius appeared in your 'vision' a duplicate appeared. It was not the real Sirius, but it still had mass. Apparently, there were too many of them and the veil was unable to cope with inflicting pain on each one of them simultaneously. So, after what seemed like only minutes to us, hundreds of Sirius' began to appear in the death chamber, only to disappear moments later. They were the veils creations, and therefore blocked by the powerful magic that protects the chamber. Soon after both you and a young man fell out, both badly injured"

"Who?"

"We're going to save that for tomorrow. You need your rest."

Too exhausted to protest, Hermione fell back into nothingness.

* * *

She awoke to light streaming in through a window behind her. Wincing, she tilted her head to look around her, only to see a stranger with his head asleep at her feet. His black hair was long, cut slightly above his shoulders and currently falling in front of his face. He was strongly built, but not bulky and looked to be in his early twenties. The strangest thing about this man was his attire. Drab browns, his shirt seemed tight in the chest and loose in the shoulders, as if wearing another mans clothing.

_Who is this man? But he seems dressed like… Remus? Well, it's definitely not Remus, far too young. Then why would he be wearing Remus' clothes? He seems vaguely familiar too._

As she was watching him, she had shifted a little and this movement apparently roused him. He shook his head slightly, and it was only then she saw that he had a sling on his right arm. _Injured? Could this be the man who fell out of the veil with me?_

He ran his fingers through his hair sleepily and looked up at her. His grey eyes looked at her with happiness and concern.

"Hermione! You're awake! Are you trying to kill an old man like me?"

"Um… Who are you? And why are you calling yourself an old man? If I'm not mistaken, you're not a day over 25."

"Oh god, I'm sorry Hermione. I keep forgetting about this." He gestured at his body. "I know you're going to think one of us is crazy but, Hermione, it's me, Sirius"

* * *

A/N- Finally! The Hottie has arrived! So yes, more romance, more drama, less suicide. I promise. If anyone sees anything wrong (canon-wise) with my explanation of the veil, please review or email me at i.am.mrs.sirius. that in, don't click). I know its complicated but I didn't want one of those "ancient magic brought us together" fics. Those are great, but I wanted something new. PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK SO I CAN IMPROVE! That's the point of fanfiction for me, a sort of jumping off point for real (publishable) fiction. Also, if anyone is willing to be a dependable and fast beta, I would love it. My first one did the first chapter but it took her like a month, and then never returned the second one. 


	5. Fix You

Disclaimer- Harry Potter isn't mine. Neither is Sirius. But he is alive! Just read my fic!

A/N- Whoa, I can't believe I finished this so quickly. But I am finally finding the inspiration to write this story. But I do go back to school soon, so… I'm also beginning to wish I had written a more popular ship for my first story. Its not that I don't love this story, but big ships get more reviews, and I really do need constructive criticism! I also realized that I didn't put a disclaimer in the last chapter. Damn. This chapter is dedicated to my darling friend Allison a.k.a 1649. She's great. Lastly, I had to up the rating on these, because apparently attempted suicided is an 'M' topic. Thats alright though, I may have upped it anyway later... tehehe

* * *

_And the tears come streaming down your face  
When you lose something you can't replace  
When you love someone but it goes to waste  
Could it be worse  
Lights will guide you home  
And ignite your bones  
And I will try to fix you  
And high up above or down below  
When you're too in love to let it go  
But if you never try you'll never know  
Just what you're worth_

-Fix You by Coldplay

* * *

Sirius Black was awakened by a faint rustling by his feet. He looked up; blinking and running his hands through his newly cut hair, curtsey of Tonks. He was also wearing Remus' clothes. _Brown, brown, brown- gods- my best friend needs to learn about all the other colors out there! _He saw Hermione staring at him and smiled broadly._ Thank Merlin she's awake. It's my fault she was exposed the veil to begin with. It's entirely fault. If she hadn't woken up… _That wasn't something he wanted to think about. But he had a new outlook on life, and intended to be happy when he could. And right now, that happiness came from Hermione being awake.

"Hermione! You're awake! Are you trying to kill an old man like me?" He was so damned happy she was awake; it was impossible to hide his enthusiasm. He was, after all, a very enthusiastic person.

"Um… Who are you? And why are you calling yourself an old man? If I'm not mistaken, you're not a day over 25." Hermione seemed tired and confused and he suddenly felt horrible. _Damn it all. I have to explain this whole crazy situation. Hell, I forgot about it myself! She looks so… Sad. I don't want her to be sad!_

"Oh god, I'm sorry Hermione. I keep forgetting about this." He gestured at his body. He'd lost most of his ego in Azkaban but he had to admit- he looked great. "I know you're going to think one of us is crazy but, I'm Sirius Black" He smiled weakly and watched her face intently. It turned from confusion to fury. _Black, what have you done this time? _

"Who the hell are you? Don't you dare tell me you're Sirius! He's dead, and has been for a long time! Did you just think you could barge in here and pretend to be someone I cared about? Did you think it would be funny?"

She truly was furious. _Who the hell would do this to me? I'm bedridden for god's sake!_

This was not what Sirius had been expecting. _She cares about me?_ Sirius realized that now was not the time to be thinking about that. He was supposed to be worrying about Hermione. How had he expected Her to recognize him? He **definitely** did not look like this when she last saw him.

"'Mione, calm down, please. Just give me a chance to explain. I swear to you I am Sirius."

"Prove it then!"

Sirius thought for a moment. Then, without speaking, he pushed his chair back slightly and stood. Instantly, the man disappeared only to be replaced by a large black dog.

It was black and shiny, limping slightly on its right front paw. It smiled and then walked cautiously towards Hermione, putting its head by hers. Though it had changed since the last time Hermione had seen it, the dog was definitely Sirius.

"Oh my god" Hermione muttered softly. Her eyes filled with tears. He was back. But how? She kept crying. _I've gone crazy. I'm seeing things. That's the only way this is possible! It's not Sirius; I just wanted to see him, so here he is! It's just a hallucination. _

_Damn. Please don't cry. I'm not good with crying girls! Never was._ Sirius changed quickly back to his human form looked down at her.

He was so confused. _Was she crying because she was happy? Or because she never wanted to see me again? _

"Hermione. Please don't cry. It's just me, just Sirius."

"Sirius died a long time ago. I must be crazy, I must be." She said almost to herself, as if he wasn't really there. She refused to look him in the eyes.

He picked up her hand and held it, forcing her to look at him. "No Hermione, your not crazy. Please just let me explain!

When she didn't say anything, he decided to continue.

"Alright. Remus told you that anything that happens in the veil is real, yeah?"

"Yes"

"Well, apparently, you were well, you, when you were in the veil. As in 22-year-old Hermione Granger, because that was the worst thing it could do to you. I wasn't me"

"Huh?" She was more curious now. Hermione seemed to have forgotten that she thought he was a hallucination.

"Well, the veil does whatever it can to cause you pain, physical or mental. That's why were both banged up"

"Huh?" she said again dumbly.

"When it became to overwhelmed to handle us, it still wanted to cause as much pain as possible, so it hurt us as much as it could to still let us recover, before throwing us back into the chamber."

"Okay, but you still haven't explained why you say you're 'Sirius'"

"Well, for me, the worst thing it could do to me was not physical. It forced me to actually _relive_ the worst moments of my life, over and over again."

"Harry's parents" she whispered.

"Yes, the Potters. So I was actually 23 again, like I was then."

"So you really are Sirius?"

"Of course I'm Sirius!" he joked. He was happy that she believed him, happy she was finally awake.

She burst out crying again. She was mad at herself for thinking he was an imposter. _He's really back!_

* * *

So Hermione finally accepted him. He went on to explain that the reason why Remus had not told her about him before. At the time Remus had spoken to her, he hadn't been sure it was Sirius himself. Remus had recognized him, but couldn't believe it was Sirius. Much like Hermione, he believed that the mental stress of the past weeks had made him crazy. He also believed that, if he wasn't crazy, it was impossible for Sirius to still be alive after seven years inside pure evil. But Sirius has woken up several days before, and had been able proved his identity to both Remus and the Ministry. He was now a free man.

"But how did Remus, Tonks and Ginny ever find me?" Hermione queried. She had calmed down now, and was now interested.

He said Ginny had gone to check on her and found her note. All of them knew that the Death Chamber was the place where she would go. Any of them would choose there. Sirius looked truly saddened to talk about Hermione committing suicide.But without it, they could both be dead. Sirius also explained that while they were both injured hers were more severe then his because for the majority of his time in the veil, he was unharmed physically. It was only in their last seconds that they were both severely injured.

"So why are you here?" Hermione asked finally. _He should be ashamed of me. I tried to kill myself. I don't have any courage. I am completely useless. I deserve to have been a bloody Slytherin! _

Sirius blushed slightly. "I was worried about you! I feel somewhat responsible for you, all things considered."

Hermione cringed. _Does he know what I did!_ "So they told you everything? About the war?" She was panicked now.

At that moment Remus and Tonks walked into the hospital room, both looking ecstatic to see Hermione awake.

"Yeah, we told him most everything," said Tonks, giving Hermione a small wink.

Hermione's heart leapt. She couldn't deal with him knowing, not yet. Her elation was cut short by seeing the pained look on his face. _Look at him! He was Harry's godfather. He may be the only one who knows how I feel… _She was suddenly overcome by guilt. _He only found out about them days ago, and yet here he is, trying to comfort me. _

"Oh, Sirius. I'm sorry, I… I…"

Sirius cut her off. "Hermione, don't worry about me. I'm fine, really. We need to take care of you right now. They're going to make us stay in this horrid place for another night. But then we can go."

Hermione began again to speak but Tonks cut in. "Hermione, you need your rest, really. We'll talk about anything else tomorrow."

Remus and Tonks left together, leaving Hermione and Sirius alone again. As he walked back to the bed that was apparently his, he looked back at her and said- "Everything will be okay 'Mione."

Hermione was amazed by the empathy in his voice. _Sirius does know about losing people though. He lost everyone to, but he only found out a couple of days ago. How is he so… together? He seemed so happy I was awake. Does he really care? Of course he does, he's nearly my godfather in law. But he doesn't know about Harry leaving me that note does he? So _why_ does he care?_

She was overcome by an extreme weariness. Before she fell asleep, she was overcome by the first true happiness she had experienced in a long time. It was happiness that Sirius was back, and that, seemingly, he cared about her.

* * *

It took Sirius much longer to fall asleep then Hermione. He listened to her breathing, reveling in the fact that she was alright- alive. After spending seven years in the veil, being alive was a very new concept to him. It would surely take him awhile to see life as anything more then a series of his worst memories. In the veil, he had come to believe that there was nothing in the world but pain and loss. There, everything and everyonewas dead but him. But here he was, lying in a bed next to Hermione, with Remus and Tonks having left only minutes ago. They were _people,_ real, alive, people. There was so much more to the world then loss. He would always grieve for the dead- always. But now he had people to _live _for. The war was over and no one else was going to die. He could trust people again. Unlike the veil, he could affect peoples lives, change events instead of just watching them helplessly. Sirius could finally make people laugh again. He was in control of his own destiny and he intended to make good use of it. 

Sirius was going to help Hermione. He vowed to himself that he would do anything she needed. He recognized the pain in her face; it was the pain that he had worn for many, many years. It had taken pure evil to let him see the good in the world. And part of that good was Hermione. She was a wonderful, caring person underneath her grief, and he was going to help her. She **would** find happiness again, if it took him his whole life to help her.

* * *

A/N- really guys the constructive criticism is good! Please! Also, don't think this is a filler chapter, because it isn't. It's all really about Sirius, and his new outlook on life. I figure, after 7 years in the veil, he would either have to become an optimist, or go absolutely insane. If you disagree or think he is OOC then please tell me! 


	6. Find My Way Home

Authors Note- Oh my god, I feel absolutely horrible. I swear on the Seventh Book that I have not lost interest in this story, I've just been exceptionally busy, and had writers block. I hope this chapter was all right. I'm still looking for a new beta if anyone's interested. I dedicate this chapter to my beautiful Katie darling, who makes me remember why I love Harry Potter, and tells me nearly daily that I do not suck at writing fanfic. I need that guys, so PLEASE review! PLEASE! Besides, the more happy little review emails I get, the worse I feel about not updating.

Disclaimer- Unfortunately, Harry Potter and his Godfather are not mine.

_

* * *

_

_They say she's on the run  
It's over, it's over, it's over, it's over  
And thought then can turn action  
And I dig and I dig and I dig and I dig  
'Til my head is so sick and so clear  
I'm leaving here  
Getting out of this place  
Leaving here  
Getting out of this place  
Only certain kinds of people  
Can take these things_

How Will I ever Find My Way Home? - British Sea Power

* * *

_"NO!" Hermione yelled in agony as she was hit by the Cruciatus cruse. A sharp pain ran across her stomach. She was trying to get to Harry; she had to help him somehow. He was dueling furiously with Lord Voldemort, the two completely silent in stark contrast to the cacophony around them. She looked around trying to see who had hit her, her addled brain only wishing to fight back. Her brown eyes locked with the deep black of Bellatrix Lestrage's._

"_Oh, how the mighty have fallen! I seem to have gotten little Potters girlfriend! Don't worry though little mudblood, you'll be with him soon enough"_

_This was the woman who had killed Sirius, who had made Harry's life a living hell for the last 5 years. Hermione shook her head, trying to clear it, and then stood, her wand pointed directly at Bellatrix's neck. Blind fury coursed through her veins. _

"_The little mudblood wants to duel?"_

"_Shut up, you bitch" Said Hermione, circling around her slowly._

"Sectumsempra_!" Shouted Bellatrix_

"Protego_" Hermione nearly whispered. She was calm, almost indifferent, But her fury created such a powerful shield charm that Bellatrix was knocked back. She cursed loudly and fell down several cold stone steps of the Death Chamber. _

_Hermione walked coldly to Bellatrix, showing no emotion whatsoever. She pointed her wand down at her and stared callously._

"_What you going to do little girl? Kill me? Just try it. My cousin Sirius couldn't do it, you're little boyfriend couldn't. But they're both dead by now."_

_Hermione looked at Bellatrix, smiling slightly._

"AVADA KEDAVRA!"

* * *

"STOP IT!"

Sirius was roused from his sleep by screaming. He jumped out of his bed, mind racing.

"No… Please… I'm sorry!… I shouldn't have… No…" the voice was sobbing now.

_Hermione? Is that really Hermione? Hell._

"'Mione, com'on, wake up" Sirius sat on her bed and put both hands on her shoulders.

"Not again… Oh god… Should've died…" Hermione was mutter incoheratly. She was tossing and turning, twisting the bed sheets into a tangled mess.

Sirius was confused and scared. _What is wrong with 'Mione? She looks so weak and small. Oh god. What in the name of Merlin do I do? I'm no good with crying girls!_

"Hermione, wake up. Please 'Mione!" It truly hurt him to see her like this. Before he had fallen into the veil, she was the strong one. Hermione was always so logical, it sometimes made him angry. If Harry was the heart, and Ron the muscle, Hermione was the brain of the trio. She was too smart at times, but that was just who she was. _But she's older now. And she's been through more than anyone should have to._

Shaking her slightly she finally opened her eyes and stopped moving entirely. But even being awake did not stop her tears. Hermione was just crying, looking straight at Sirius with a terrified expression.

"Sirius?" she said in a small, almost meek whisper.

Sirius smiled sheepishly at her. He began to stroke her hair slowly, wondering what kind of dream could put her into such a panic.

"Hermione, what were you dreaming about?" Sirius said bluntly. He never had been good with histrionic girls.

She sat up slowly, letting Sirius' arms drop to her shoulders.

"I… Oh, Sirius!" She began sobbing hysterically again. Completely baffled, Sirius wrapped his arms around her.

"Um… It's all okay now 'Mione. It-It was just a dream… I'll take care of you." He was murmering in her ear. Though he stumbled around it, Hermione realized that he truly meant what he was saying.

Slowly she stopped crying and pulled away.

"Thank you Sirius. I'm sorry I woke you." She said slowly, looking right into his eyes.

"Eh, we should be getting up anyway! We finally get to get out of this place! You may have been unconscious, but I've been up and bored. I hate hospitals!" He was bounding around the room now, looking like an excited puppy.

He opened the curtains letting the sun stream onto Hermione's bed. Her cheeks were still damp with tears and Sirius had a nearly irresistible urge to hold her longer.

Hermione herself was still quite disconcerted from her nightmare. Thinking for a long moment, she finally spoke. But she said something that Sirius was not expecting.

"Sirius, where are you going to live? I mean, Grimauld Place was destroyed in the war." Said Hermione, looking intently at Sirius for a reaction to that.

"Really now? Good riddance. I hated that place, always did."

"And well, see Harry got your fortune when you well… died… And when Harry…" Her voice cracked at his name. "When Harry… Well, I got it."

"So basically you have all my money? That's rich. A muggle-born with the Black family fortune. I wonder what my mum would say to that!" Seeing her face look blank he continued.

"Its fine though I'll just bunk with Remus and Tonks until I find a place to stay."

"And so will you Hermione." Remus' voice rang from the door, standing next to Tonks.

"You really have a knack for sneaking up on other peoples conversations, don't you Moony?" Said Sirius sarcastically.

"Wotcher Hermione, Sirius" said Tonks, giving a little nod to both of them. Even with the curtains open, the hospital room was still bleak. It left no one in a particularly good feeling.

"So what are you saying about me staying with you lot, do I not have any say in this?" Hermione was quite apparently angry. She was growing increasingly worried about facing her flat. She had never envisioned ever seeing that flat, or anything else for that matter, ever again.

Tonks spoke first, smiling as best she could.

"Well, we're all sorta worried about you Hermione. You disappeared for a year, only to come back and jump in the veil. Now most wizards don't take much stock in mental health, I mean to them its 'what can't a good cheering charm fix?' but my dads a muggle and I've learned a thing from him. You're not going to just recover from this Hermione. Remus and I had each other, but you, you just left… You were all alone."

_Way to rub it in little cousin. Never was much on tact were you then?_ Sirius thought angrily. _But then, neither am I. Maybe it's a Black thing. Pure blood, bad social skills. _

"What my lovely Nymphadora is trying to say is that we don't want you to be alone anymore." Remus said, before Tonks could make things any worse.

"Listen, I appreciate what you're doing, but I completely refuse. I'm going to stay in my flat and work things out on my own. I'm an adult and I can make my own choices for Merlin's sake!" The last thing Hermione wanted was for Remus and Tonks watching her every move making sure she wasn't going to _avada kedavra_ herself or jump off St. Mungos.

With these words Hermione reached to her night table, grabbed her wand and apparated away.

* * *

Tonks, Remus and Sirius all looked extremely stunned, and stood blank for several seconds.

"I though St. Mungos had anti-apparation wards…" said Sirius slowly, breaking the silence.

"It does. How the hell did she do that?" replied Remus, still standing in the same place.

"She _was_ the brightest witch of her generation. She _was_ a member of the trio. She _was_ the greatest wizard of our times girlfriend. I suppose she picked up some tricks." Tonks said, finally recovering.

"Great Tonks, just wonderful. Why did you have to scare her like that! My god!" Sirius was **angry**, and both Remus and Tonks looked slightly afraid. He was after all an experience auror in the body of a 22 year-old. A very tall and muscular 22 year old wizard.

"Sirius calm down, its all going to be okay." Said Remus slowly.

"Okay! Where do you think she went! I have to go after her Remus, I have to help her." Sirius' anger was slowly being replaced with panic. _Has she disappeared again? How could I have let her go so easily?_

"We'll find her Padfoot. But you, only possessing ordinary wizarding skills, have to get checked out of this place before we can go after her. So come on, lets get you out of here." Remus gestured to the door.

Rising quickly, Sirius grabbed his wand and flicked it, causing his pajamas to transfigure themselves into a set of blue jeans and a black t-shirt. Running his hands through his mussed hair, he left the room quickly, with Remus and Tonks stumbling in his wake.

"Where do you suppose she went?" Asked Tonks as the trio walked to the safe apparition point slightly out of St. Mungos.

Finnally thinking clearly now Sirius was relatively sure that he knew. he wasn't about to tell Tonks and Remus that though. He knew that they only they only had Hermione's best interests at heart, but they didn't know how to handle someone like that. It wasn't there fault; they just didn't know how isolation could compound grief. They had had each other, while Hermione had been alone. Sirius had known only to well what it could feel like. When the Potters had died, Sirius had thought he had lost everything. But when Peter faked his own death and blamed the deaths of muggles on Sirius, that was when he knew what rock bottom felt like. The stories were true, he had laughed like a madman, not out of insanity or cruelness, but out of desperation. He hadn't even tried to escape, a mans psyche can only take so much. So Sirius knew that Hermione would not be thinking logically right now. She would not have fled to the Leaky Cauldron or wherever she had been living, she would go to the only place she could find comfort. The only place where her own mind could run wild in delusions that those she loved were alive. For Sirius, that place had been a cell in Azkaban. For Hermione, it would be Harry's flat.

"Listen, I'm going to go look for her. She's not going to be at Harry's flat, that's too obvious. So how about you two go check Hogsmeade and I'll go to Diagon Alley and look for her there?" Sirius tried to sound casual, but his thoughts were still racing. He had to go find her, _alone._

"You sure you want to go alone mate? It's been a long time since you've been out and about, things have changed."

"Stop worrying about me Moony. Its Hermione you should be concerned about. Now go and find her. We'll meet back at your flat around noon" Sirius was actually beginning to twitch with impatience. It was his canine instincts coming out, anticipating the 'chase'.

Before Remus could stop him, Sirius apparated away.

* * *

In truth, Sirius had absolutely no idea where he was going. He had apparated himself to Grimauld Place just because it was a street he could walk on to get his bearings. Sirius had never been one to think plans out before acting them, and this was, unfortunately, not an exception.

_So where would Hermione and Harry have lived? Somewhere in London. A flat! I think Remus mentioned a flat. So now all I have to do is search every flat in muggle London. Damn. Okay, so who would know where they lived? Remus and Tonks. Damn. Um… Ginny? But she would tell Remus, and that would ruin all of it. If I'm right, and Hermione is there, and runs again, we may never find her._

Sirius eventually came to the conclusion that a simple locator spell with a couple modifications would help find her. I mean, Sirius had created the Marauders map, hadn't he? This would be simple. Right?

* * *

Twenty very frustrated minutes later; Sirius could still not find Hermione. In fact, he had not even begun looking. Sirius had found himself in a very heated battle with an older muggle woman as to weather his galleons were real gold or not. Having no muggle money, and not the patience to argue with her any longer, Sirius performed a quick freezing spell, swiped the map, and promptly walked away.

_Why are muggles so difficult? Of course a galleon is real gold! Better than any of the rubbish gold they've got. I mean, they carry around little pieces of paper like it was worth something! Muggles! What will they think of next?_

First he pulled a long brown hair off the front of his robes. _This has to be hers… I mean, who else's hair is this long _and_ this curly?_ Placing it carefully on the map, he thought hard to remember the map making spells he had found so useful both in his days at Hogwarts and at the ministry.

"_Cartohmora Specialus_" he muttered, his first guess. Amazingly enough, it was the correct spell, and immediately Hermione's name appeared in Sirius' own untidy scrawl (Moony had written the names for the Marauders Map, he had such girly hand writing) in an building just outside the heart of London.

Without thinking, he apparated directly to the room he saw Hermione's name in.

He was thrown back in mid-apparation, landing with a dull thud in a carpeted hall. _Lucky I kept all my bloody limbs! Could have splinched myself _Sirius thought angrily. He may be 22 again, but it didn't mean his back didn't bloody well hurt after a tumble like that.

Realizing Hermione had placed wards around her flat, he walked quietly to her door, thinking. _How did she get so powerful? I mean, she was always bloody brilliant, but that doesn't equal this kind of power. You don't learn in a book how to get through St. Mungos wards. I thought only Dumbledore could do things like this, and he… well… But Remus said that Harry had become as powerful as Albus. He _is_ a Potter! Was…But how would Hermione get to be like this though?_

He knocked gently on the door. Waiting a tense moment, he knocked again. Hearing nothing, he looked down at his map.

_She's right on the otherside of the door!_ Sirius was not surprised that she was not answering, just concerned.

He thought a long moment, trying to think of the right thing. He didn't want to be blunt like Tonks, he didn't want to scare her away.

"'Mione, please let me in. It's just me. I promise I won't try to take you away, or make you do anything you don't want to. Just please let me in."

Sirius waited another long moment, silently wondering what he would do if she didn't let him in. After what felt like an eternity, he heard a clicking and the door creped open slowly.

"Sirius?"

* * *

A/N- Wow, my longest chapter yet. Still not very long though, huh? I'm horrible, I know. There are several elements of foreshadowing in this chapter. Anyone see any hints? I really like constructive comments guys! You know, I appreciate ANYTHING though. Oh, and I'm sorry about how stupid the spell I made up is. It's just the word for map, combined with the unlocking and reveling spells. Well, this definitely proves I'm not Jo in disguise, huh? This is also completely unbetad. I don't have one, and didn't have time to make one of my friends do it, because I felt so dreadful about not updating! 


	7. Kite

Wow, Chapter 7. I bet you guys never thought I would update ever again. Well, I promise to be more frequent than this, but its hard! Schools almost over, and I'm only getting a part time job this summer, so there will be plenty of time to finish this fic and go into a sequel. I know I said this would be about 28 chapters, but I decided that I would split it up, to many plotlines for just one story! Besides, I need to completed Sirius/Hermione rated M section of leaves quite a bit to be desired at present.

**Disclaimer**- The Harry Potter series and its characters are not mine. They would not be rated PG-13 if they were…

Who's to say where the wind will take you  
_Who's to know what it is will break you  
__I don't know which way the wind will blow  
__Who's to know when the time has come around  
__Don't wanna see you cry_I know that this is not goodbye  
_In summer I can taste the salt in the sea  
__There's a kite blowing out of control on a breeze  
__I wonder what's gonna happen to you  
__You wonder what has happened to me  
__I'm a man, I'm not a child  
__A man who sees  
__The shadow behind your eyes_

Kite- U2

Last Time on _"Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own"_

_Sirius waited another long moment, silently wondering what he would do if she didn't let him in. After what felt like an eternity, he heard a clicking and the door creped open slowly._

"_Sirius?"_

Sirius pushed the door open to revel Hermione standing stock-still, staring at him, in a pitch-black room. She stepped back without a word to let him in, and he switched on the lights. As light poured into the room, he almost wished he hadn't. Hermione looked pale and fragile, a mere whisp of the woman she once was. This seemed emphasized by the many pictures of her, Ron and Harry that hung behind her in the hall. The photographs all smiled and waved happily out of their frames reminding Sirius of what she had lost, physically and emotionally. _Maybe it_ _would have been better to leave the lights off._

"Oh Merlin Hermione. You scared me so much, leaving like that." He said, shifting from foot to foot uncomfortably.

"I can't let them take me! I won't go. I won't let them." Hermione looked frantic and scared. Something in her look made Sirius feel absolutely awful that Remus and Tonks had ever tried to do anything to her. Anything that hurt her more was simply cruel.

"It's okay Hermione. I won't let them take you. Come on, let's just sit down and talk about this." He smiled graciously and walked through the hall into the open living/dining/kitchen area of her home. Could he really even call this Hermione's home? She hadn't been here in a long twelve months. Looking around the room, Sirius saw traces of his godson everywhere. The coffee table held outdated copies of "Quiditch Weekly" and the mantle held pictures of the Lily and James as well as the 'Golden trio' at various ages. Sirius led Hermione slowly to the chocolate-colored couch and motioned for her to sit. She seemed dazed, like this was not her own home, but someone else's and she was simply a guest in it.

After sitting in silence for a moment, Hermione seemed to compose herself slightly. "How did you find me here?" she asked almost accusatorially.

"Well, it was a rather funny story actually…" He said, chuckling in spite of himself. He stopped immediately after seeing the look in her eyes. "I was worried about you Hermione. I can't just have you run off like that. I know Harry was your fiancé, but he was as good as a son to me." He paused slightly and than continued slowly. "I can't lose anyone else Hermione. It's been too much at once, but if I learned one thing in that bloody veil it's that you can't take your life for granted. You survived for a reason 'Mione."

"A reason! You think that there is any good reason for me to have survived when everyone I loved didn't! I survived because I was weak, because I couldn't fight any longer. I didn't deserve to live, I didn't even want to live." Her expression held steady, as if daring him to object. But he did object…

"No Hermione, I won't accept that! You are not weak, and you never have been!"

"I'm not in the mood to be arguing with you Sirius Black!" She rose quickly and grabbed his arm, looking fiercely down at him. "Please leave my house, now. You are quite aware I could hex you into oblivion".

"I am not leaving," he said calmly. As she reached for her wand, he grabbed both her wrists and held them tightly. She struggled intensely against his grip, but he held fast and she was no match for a 22-year-old Sirius. "Damn it Hermione! You're just afraid! You're fucking afraid to live your own life!"

Hermione fell against the couch, sobbing and Sirius immediately released her. _Oh god, what the hell have I done this time?_ He fell onto the couch as well, wondering desperately what to do. _How many times do I have to say that I'm horrible with crying beautiful women? Beautiful? Where did that come from? Sirius! Stay on task. Right. Okay, there's a girl crying so you comfort her. But I'm the one who made her cry! Doesn't matter, I can't just leave her like this. _Ending his own internal argument, Sirius tentatively put his arm around her, rubbing small circles on her back. Hermione immediately flung her arms around him, still sobbing. Looking Uncomfortable, Sirius continued to hold the crying girl. She seemed so incredibly small to Sirius.

"It's going to be alright." He said quietly, almost completely muffled by her thick hair. He didn't really know if it was going to be 'alright' for her, but he was certainly going to try. Still crying, Hermione slowly drifted sleep.

Once Sirius thought she was truly asleep, he slowly scooted away, replacing himself with a throw pillow so Hermione wouldn't awaken. "Don't leave me." She muttered in her sleep.

"Not to worry Hermione," he said quietly, more to himself than her. "I won't."

* * *

"Do you suppose Sirius found her?" said Tonks nervously, walking the busy streets of Hogsmeade with Remus. 

"He would have found us by now, however different Hogsmeade may be." Remus replied, gazing at the changed landscape. The once quaint village had been burnt to the ground during the war by the Deatheaters. Still magically protected from muggles, the first true wizarding city rose in its place. The streets were still cobblestone, but where small shops had once been, taller more modern buildings rose, making Hogsmeade resemble a mini-muggle-London, complete with apartment buildings and department stores. It was the epitome of fusion between muggle and wizarding cultures that had taken place at the end of the war.

"Should we go find him in Diagon Alley?" Tonks asked quietly. She had told her usually assertive self to stuff it. She had mucked this up, and she felt absolutely awful for it.

"No, Sirius knows what he's doing. I trust him. I think the best thing we can do now is go back to the flat and wait. He'll find her if anyone can. He's practically a search dog!" Remus was trying to look less worried. His lady could be a complete dolt sometimes, but he knew she was beating herself up for it. He certainly didn't want to make her feel more guilty, or worse, turn her guilt into anger against _him._ Misdirected rage from an Auror could be a very dangerous thing, and Remus had learned this the hard way.

"If you trust him, I trust him." She said. Remus grabbed her hand tightly and they apparated together to their flat.

* * *

Sirius sat on the couch with Hermione for a long while, thinking over the events of the past two weeks. What rung most clearly in his ears were his own words only moments before "I know Harry was your fiancé, but he was as good as a son to me." Why didn't it hurt more that he had lost Harry? Why hadn't he simply fallen apart as so many other survivors had? It made Sirius wonder if the veil had done something to him, made him evil in some way. _I certainly don't feel evil. But what the heck does evil feel like? I mean, the veil was evil, and I don't feel like some barmy old piece of cloth. _Maybe it was something else. But what? What made him different than Hermione? And how could that help her? 

Deciding to think about it another time, he glanced up at the clock on the mantle piece and frowned slightly. Instead of being a normal clock, it was like the Weasley's- only with far more options for a person's whereabouts. Hermione's hand was resting on "Home", as was Bill and Fleur's names. Obviously the Weasleys were part of the Harry and Hermione's "family". Fred's name was on "Hospital" and so was Harry's and Ginny's.

Sirius gasped suddenly as he read the last name on the clock's face. It was his own. Though this was not in itself surprising, it was the fact that it read that he to was at "Home". Sirius was shocked by this, not knowing exactly what to think. Did it just mean that he was at Harry and Hermione's home, or was it something more? Staring absently at into in deep thought, Sirius was shocked to see that the regular clock said it was already 13:03.

Scooting silently to his feet, Sirius scribbled a note to Hermione, and left the flat quickly. After walking to a safe looking alley, he apparated to Remus and Tonks' flat to try to convince them of his plan.

* * *

Ten minutes later, Tonks was screaming at her cousin. 

"You want to what!" she yelled. "How in the name of magic will that help? A ex-convict, ex-crazy man recently escaped from seven years living in a hell dimension living with a crazy woman! I'm sure you two would be splendid together!"

Sirius rounded on Tonks quickly, his anger almost making him forget himself. "Better than you would be! You drove her away, nearly lost her again with your wonderful interpersonal skills! She's terrified of the both of you, and whose fault is that? Yours! So yes, a convict crazy man would do Hermione a great deal of good compared to the other friends she's got!"

"Sirius, Nymph, calm down" said Remus sternly, stepping between the two warring Black's.

"Nymphadora, you've been quite tactless towards Sirius, though everything you've said has been based in truth. Can we please just all look at this rationally for a minute?" When both nodded grudgingly, Remus continued. They were both still mad though, fuming. You could see it in Sirius' eyes, but much more obvious was Tonks' hair turning a bright red shade as if on fire.

"Sirius, do you really think it's a good idea for you to live with Hermione?" asked Remus.

"Yes it's a good…" but Remus cut him off. "Just hear me out. Have you even let anything that's happened sink in yet Padfoot. People died, people you loved. You seem fine now, but are you sure you're really fine?"

"Of course I'm sure! You think I don't realize they're dead, you think I've just gone crazy again? Ah yes, Sirius Black, can't handle himself so just laughs and gets dragged off to Azkaban. I bloody well know they're dead! But Hermione **is** alive. The two of you let her go, let her nearly die. I'm not going to make your stupid mistakes again."

"That's not fair Sirius! She just disappeared. We had our own problems to live with." Tonk said hotly.

"Oh really now. Did your boyfriend go into a coma? Did you lose your best friend? No, you had Remus, and Hermione had no one. Did you look for her? Did you ever try to find her? Or did you just assume she was gone forever?" Sirius was beyond anger now. He was pacing back and forth, just waiting for whatever Tonks would say.

"You were in the veil, you weren't here, you can't possibly understand!" Screamed Tonks. She glared at the both of them and then stormed out of the room, her hair changing seeming to be on fire with color.

Sirius stopped in his tracks, she had gone to far. "You're right. I wasn't here to help her, to help Harry. To save them both" he said in a somber tone, his guilt setting in. He sank into a chair at the small kitchen table, putting his head in his hands.

Remus sat down next to Sirius and put his hand on Sirius's shoulder. "It's not your fault old friend. You couldn't have saved everyone. You're just one man." Remus said quietly. Sirius looked up at him, his grey eyes shining with tears.

"I could have done _something_. Anything. I could have seen Harry grow up, help him somehow." His voice cracked slightly as he continued. "I could have fought, and died with the rest of them, instead of falling into some stupid veil. I missed the fight Moony, I hid like a coward." He put his head back down, hanging it in shame.

"You didn't have a choice! You fell into that damned veil fighting for Harry. That's the best thing you could have done. As for Hermione, I feel responsible. Tonks' lost Charlie, you may not have known it, but they had been best friends since Hogwarts. But I should have done something. She made us think she just needed to escape the fame, but I knew that there was something much more deeply wrong. But I was so damned caught up in my own grief, and Nymphadora's that I didn't think of anyone else…"

Sirius looked up at Remus again. "No, don't beat yourself up about this Remus. I feel like an idiot yelling at Tonks like that. Especially with Charlie…"

"You really did strike a nerve, I'll tell you that" said Remus nervously "She'll cool down eventually, after taking some of it out on me." He chuckled and cringed at the same time.

"So are you really going to try to live with Hermione?" asked Remus.

"Yeah, I really am." Said Sirius sincerely. "I really need to try to help her, and I think maybe helping her just might help me. It will be alright someday, for the both of us."

"Well, if you truly think that, than I wish you the best of luck Padfoot."

"I'll need all the luck I can get. I haven't actually asked if I _can_ live with her yet" Sirius said sheepishly, letting out his doglike laugh as Remus raised one eyebrow at him.

* * *

At the same moment, Hermione was rolling over in her sleep. Her arms reached around, searching for a non-existent body. She rolled over again in her sleep, hugging onto a pillow and looking more peaceful than she had in years. She muttered "Sirius" before falling back to sleep.

* * *

A/N- Well, there you have it. Not that long, but the chapter needed to end. I'm sorry to make Tonks out to be mean, she really is one of my favorite characters. But she can be a bit blunt sometimes. Don't worry, she'll get over it. So, Sirius is going to live with Hermione now? Fun fun. 


End file.
